Thou art my refuge

“That man is perfect in faith who can come to God in the utter dearth of his feelings and his desires, without a glow or an aspiration, with the weight of low thoughts, failures, neglects, and wandering forgetfulness, and say to Him, ‘Thou are my refuge, because thou art my home.’”

- George MacDonald

But I’m trying so hard to be good, she prayed tearfully - a good mother, a good wife, a good ministry partner, a good homemaker, a good Orthodox Christian, a good daughter, a good friend…  

I’m trying, to take every thought captive, to trust You in all things, to work harder, to encourage those around me, to be a rock for my family, to get over my hurt feelings, to clean myself up for You… but I feel like I’m failing…miserably.

There are weeds in my garden. 

I have an ever growing laundry list of unfinished house projects.

My worries and insecurities are breeding like rabbits and devouring my resolve to stay peaceful and calm.

I’ve taken so many missteps, put my foot in my mouth, and caved to distractions. I’m a mess. I’m a disappointment. I’m tired… of trying. 

Too tired to power through, or to pretend, or even to stand at my Icon corner and pray. If it’s ok, she whispered, I’ll just sit here and rest a minute, just as I am, just to be near You.

And rest she did, leaving her dishes on the counter and messiness exposed, slowly breathing in and out, staring out the window, listening to the birds in the stillness of the morning. With nothing to offer but her own nakedness and vulnerability, she turned to Christ for comfort, finally allowing herself to release all she was carrying on her shoulders and to be seen and loved “as is.” And it was exactly what she needed.

She would eventually get off the couch and return to her various roles and responsibilities but they would no longer feel crushing after her respite from striving and trying, and after the gentle reminder that her worth, her peace, her strength, are not contingent on what she does or does not do, on what she gains or loses, on what others think of her, or on what she thinks of herself, but rather on who He is: omnipotent, compassionate, unchanging, wholly enough, and a refuge for all who humble themselves and lean on Him. 

Your mercy, O Lord, is in the heavens;

Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds.

Your righteousness is like the great mountains;

Your judgments are great and deep;

O Lord, You preserve man and beast.

How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God!

Therefore the children of men put their trust under the shadow of Your wings.

- Psalm 36:5-7

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