Radical Forgiveness

I once read a quote (attributed to about a dozen different people) that said resentment is like drinking poison while expecting your enemies to die. In theory, I couldn’t agree more, but I have found that letting go of resentment (hurt, outrage) is one of those “easier said than done” ideals I struggle to hold on to. It’s like the more I touch those old (or fresh) wounds, the more they become infected. But ignoring or stuffing them down can also become a problem when, out of nowhere, old painful memories resurface, stirring up bitterness and angst. 

Recently, in preparation for one of our FWL Monthly Membership meetings, I was reading a booklet titled “Love Your Enemies” by Hieromonk Gregorios, part of a spiritual life series published by Newrome Press. In it, Christ’s command to forgive is presented with unrelenting seriousness, a seriousness that’s as scandalous today as it was when Jesus was on earth. It was a real wake-up call to be reminded that for Christians, forgiveness for all is non-negotiable and purposefully beyond what our feeble minds can comprehend.

Love sits at the summit of the virtues. It is love that brought God to earth, and love that raised Him upon the cross. Christ Himself said: But I tell you: love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you! Pray for those who mistreat you and persecute you, so that you may be children of your Father who is in heaven. For He makes the sun to rise on the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust… Therefore, be merciful, even as your Father is also merciful. (Matt. 5:44-5, Lk. 6:36).

-              Hieromonk Gregorious, Love Your Enemies, pg. 8

When Peter asked Jesus how many times we should forgive someone who sins against us, Jesus told the parable of the unforgiving servant (Matthew 18:21-35). In the parable, a servant owes his king a very large sum of money but lacks the funds to repay it. So he cries out and begs the king to be patient with him. The king takes pity on the servant and mercifully cancels his entire debt and lets him go. But when that same servant encounters a fellow servant who owes him a very small debt, he becomes enraged and has the man thrown into prison, despite the man's pleas for patience and mercy. When the king finds out, he is outraged and hands the unforgiving servant over to the jailers to be tortured until he repays all he owes. 

It’s one of those parables I’ve heard a thousand times before, but it took on new meaning and significance in this most recent meditation. As long as I see myself as separate from my neighbor, I will have a very difficult time following Christ’s command or becoming healed of the spiritual diseases of judgment and condemnation. I need to reframe my entire mindset around forgiveness by viewing myself as part of a whole. To want undeserved mercy for myself (or my loved ones), I must want it for all. Christ died for all of creation, of which I am part. 

“Of course, God could forgive us our sins whether or not we forgave those of our brethren. However, He wants to bind us together with the bonds of love. God is love, therefore he who is without love cannot remain close to Him, either in this life or the future one. Such a person condemns Himself. On the other hand, he who applies the Lord’s words to his own life forgives easily and comes to love all people with the same love. Indeed, “blessed is the man who can love every man equally.”

-              Hieromonk Gregorios, Love your Enemies, pg. 16

It’s a perspective that transcends the limits of human rationality and the constraints of self-centeredness. Christ’s forgiveness is a ladder out of the mire of my own misery by making my spiritual health and peace contingent not on the actions or inactions of others but rather on my own imitation of God’s unchanging and mystifying love. 

But how to begin when it is abundantly clear that our own strength is insufficient for the task? Patience with the process has never been my forte, but alas, through decades of trial and error, I can confirm that baby steps are the only sustainable path forward- a crack of an opening in the heart. 

At last year’s Orthodox Women in Healing Ministries Conference at Dormition Monastery, speaker and licensed marriage, family, and trauma therapist Corina Gheorghiu, said that often the first step is praying, “God, please help me want to even want to forgive.” We must be honest and authentic, turning Godward “as is.”  Openness and stillness make room for Christ to heal and transform what we cannot. It sets us on a journey of expansion, breaking wide open our constrictive thinking, revealing a God who is bigger and more radically merciful than we could ever imagine.

“Let us love one another and God will love us. Let us show forebearance towards each other and God will show patience towards our sins. Let us never repay evil with evil, and we will not be punished in proportion to our sins. We will obtain the forgiveness of our trespasses by forgiving our fellows. Divine mercy lies hidden in our compassion for our neighbor”

-              St. Maximos

It is not necessary to expose ourselves to harm or force a reconciliation. It can start with a mustard-seed-sized faith that God can free us from our pain and bitterness through this salvific, lifelong healing work of release and repentance. Confession and therapy can guide and support us.  

How much mercy do I desire to be shown? How much mercy do I long for God to shower upon my children? A LOT, boundless amounts, I get teary just thinking about it. I could exhaust myself striving for worthiness (impossible), agonize over the fragilities, wounds,  and stumbles of my sons and daughters (heart-wrenching) or…. or, I could pray for and desire that same unfathomable mercy for everyone. I could kill the ego that makes exceptions, dehumanizes, assumes, and disparages. I could rest in the knowledge that the mercy I offer is the same mercy I’ll receive. In this case, more is more. More is infinitely better! 

“Behold all that you gain when you confront your enemies’ designs with mildness: First and foremost, you are absolved of your sins. Second, you acquire endurance and patience. Third, you become forbearing and charitable…Fourth, you are always free of uncontrollable anger…and the sorrow that such rage causes… Thus when we hate other people we punish ourselves; on the other hand, when we love our fellow man we benefit ourselves”

-              St. John Chrysostom

Anger is blinding and unwieldy, incredibly difficult to keep in check. Even the smallest of grudges can infiltrate one’s spiritual health like a virus, causing all manner of unpleasant symptoms and infections. God, help me to do no harm, to either myself or to others, through my thoughts, words, or deeds.  Help me fight darkness and diffuse tension with Your compassion, with proactive connection, service, and hospitality, with almsgiving and attentiveness, listening and self-control, prayer and repentance.  

My healing is your healing, and yours is mine. 

We are saved together.