Saved through suffering

Suffering is an inescapable aspect of human life in the present world. Suffering, affliction and tragic experiences disclose the vulnerable nature of human life; it enables us to recognize our limitations as human beings and our dependence upon others and upon God for sustenance in life. Suffering has the potential to lead human beings either to despair, misery and self enclosure or to transcendence through hope and faith, trusting the benevolence of God and His covenant relationship with His people.

-Fr. Emmanuel Clapsis

Inevitably, there will be times in our lives when our world as we know it unravels, and the rug, on which all our best-laid plans sat precariously, is ripped out from under us. The entrance of chaos and upheaval into our previously ordered-ish existence can shatter our faith. It is not unusual during seasons of crisis to fall prey to bitterness, disillusionment, anxiety, and disappointment due to our own inability to overcome the passions and spiritual struggles that afflict us.

Speaking from experience, digging oneself out of a rut of despair where anger, fear, and discontentment also linger is impossible through mental gymnastics. There was no reasoning my way out of negativity and darkness. I couldn't see any way forward without "answers" and the changed behavior of others. 

 If I could understand my current struggles, if people would stop letting me down and misunderstanding me, and if God would remove the thorn in my flesh, I believed that then I could find joy again. If I could heal my own brokenness, I would start praying and turning to God for comfort. But not now. Not while I am overwhelmed with vices I can't shake and battling resentment I can’t overcome; it’s too shameful. I feel too lost and unworthy. 

Now, on this other side of the chaos, I can clearly see how highly effective suffering and disillusionment were at breaking down barriers to deep inner growth. What I’ve learned, and continue to learn, is that prolonged comfort and “success” can make me vulnerable to complacency, fragility, and judgmentalism. Before I faced my own upheaval, I held many assumptions. My fulfillment was entirely connected to my external circumstances. If my home and life were orderly, I was approved of by everyone, and people acted as I expected them to, I could function relatively smoothly. My sense of stability depended on everything being just right.

Suffering has stripped me of those contingencies and awakened me to the enlightening realization that people and circumstances are neither mine to control nor capable of satisfying the longing for wholeness in my soul. I have learned that contentment based on achieving my ideals is an elusive mirage. Struggling and enduring have led me to an alternative path to salvation—so narrow that it requires a great deal of letting go. I cannot carry with me any conditions, stipulations, pretenses, or presumptions down this path; only a longing to abide in the eternal, unearthly peace that is Christ.

“A continuously happy life produces extremely unhappy consequences. In nature we see that there are not always pleasant springs and fruitful summers, and sometimes autumn is rainy and winter cold and snowy, and there is flooding and wind and storms, and moreover the crops fail and there are famine, troubles, sicknesses and many other misfortunes. All of this is beneficial so that man might learn through prudence, patience and humility. For the most part, in times of plenty he forgets himself, but in times of various sorrows he becomes more attentive to his salvation.”

-St. Ambrose of Optina

This narrow path has been a fruitful journey, moving mountains in my soul. When I finally stopped waiting for life to make sense and for myself to be "worthy enough" to fall at Christ’s feet, sparks of enlightenment began to brighten the darkness with glimpses of hope. See, healing isn’t about the removal of trials (which I really wanted it to be and pouted about for a long time). Healing is Christ. Not Christ AND... anything. Well, wait, I take that back; healing is Christ AND a mustard seed-sized faith that I am profoundly loved by Christ right now, “as is,” exactly where I’m at—doubts, weaknesses, confusion, and all.

Healing involves accepting God's deep love for me, and being moved by that love to become a better steward of my body, mind, and soul. It is the realization that, by abiding in Christ, I have all the tools needed to find peace in any situation simply by tending to my hunger for what is eternal, beautiful, and good. One of my favorite words and states of being is “rooted.” Not brittle or inflexible, but pliable and constantly connected to the Source of all life, despite the winds of change that sometimes gently blow by and other times rage through my days like a hurricane.

For me, healing means prioritizing inner quiet where I listen for God and bask in His nearness. It means ceasing to overanalyze or trying to figure everything out. It means filling my mind, body, and heart with what nourishes rather than harms me. It is practicing gratitude. It is both intentional hard work and purposeful rest. I find that when I’m diligent about rising early to greet God each morning with “Thy Will be done” on my lips, I become braver, wiser, more patient with what I can't presently comprehend, and more attentive to others.  

I can now honestly say that I'm thankful for what I've endured and for the trials that have softened my heart, revealed unshakable joy through detachment, and increased my awe of God's faithfulness and goodness. 

“Lord Jesus Christ, King of kings, You have power over life and death. You know even things that are uncertain and obscure, and our very thoughts and feelings are not hidden from you. Cleanse me from my secret faults, for I have done wrong and you saw it. You know how weak I am, both in soul and body. Give me strength, O Lord, in my frailty and sustain me in my sufferings. Grant me a prudent judgment, dear Lord, and let me always be mindful of Your blessings. Let me retain until the end, Your grace that has protected me until now. Amen.” 

- A prayer for strength during times of weakness by Saint Ephraim the Syrian