Love and Marriage

This past weekend, my husband Troy and I attended a party, and a recently married guest asked us to share our best marriage advice. Having celebrated our 28th wedding anniversary this month, we had plenty of hard-earned wisdom to draw from. It was a great conversation starter, and it was interesting to hear which piece of advice each of us thought of in that moment.

Troy’s advice was to prioritize staying connected. As our new marriage evolved into a well-worn one, with kids, moves, job changes, and unexpected stressors and trials, the temptation to invest our energy in everything but each other was ever-present. We were tag-teaming the responsibilities, and each carrying the physically and emotionally draining loads of our daily demands while gradually drifting apart. In that state of disconnect, assumptions and misunderstandings multiplied, and little cracks grew into chasms. Feeling disconnected was so depleting, making the hard things feel even heavier.

Getting away together on vacation—slowing down, holding hands, attentively listening to each other, and having fun—restored the romance and intimacy we’d been starved of for months. It was a wake-up call to show up for each other and our marriage every day, rather than operating on autopilot and living parallel lives under the same roof. A marriage must be watered, nurtured, and weeded. It is dynamic and always changing. We need to be intentional about working on it: scheduling date nights, sitting down for dinner together, catching up over coffee on Saturday mornings, praying together before bed, performing small acts of kindness, and genuinely taking an interest in each other’s vocations. 

My advice was to pause before reacting. Cynthia and I were just talking this week about societal pressures and temptations to act now and think later (or not at all). Do I want new bath towels? Order them on Amazon, and they'll arrive by tomorrow or maybe even today! Am I craving a milkshake? DoorDash it! Am I annoyed by poor customer service? Post a harsh Yelp review right away! Am I upset with someone at work, a friend, or a family member? Send a sarcastic, passive-aggressive, or accusatory text message immediately! 

This pattern of impulsiveness can be especially harmful to a marriage, which involves two imperfect people trying to navigate all of life’s challenges together—through sickness and in health, good moods and bad, changing seasons and upheavals. Often, those closest to us bear the brunt of our stress-driven outbursts and venting. Reacting when nerves are frayed or feelings are raw opens the door to hurt, resentment, misunderstandings, and hardened attitudes. I have never snapped at Troy without regretting it. I have also never found a heated conversation between us to be as productive as one where we both take the time to cool down and reflect on the real source of our frustration. 

The importance of holding my tongue and praying before speaking or texting has been one of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned about building healthy relationships. When everything feels contentious, core issues that need resolving can get lost in the white noise of chronic nitpicking and complaining. I can’t count how many times “sleeping on it” has protected me and others from tension and confusion, providing clarity and helpful insights that led to open and honest conversations where both sides were committed to listening and accepting feedback. I’m not perfect at it by any means, but I’m much more cautious about avoiding impulsive reactions than I used to be! 

A few days later, I’m still reflecting on that party interaction and all the other advice I would share with couples just starting out on this salvific journey. There are so many facets of marriage to consider—expectations, communication, faith, parenting, finances, aging, forgiveness, and more. For the sake of brevity, I will offer just one more thought: the more I seek first the Kingdom of God, the healthier my marriage becomes. When I love God most and find my true worth and fulfillment in Him, I put less strain on my closest relationships. Spending time with God in the mornings, listening for His guidance, and asking for His help and discernment enables me to rise above the self-centered passions (greed, envy, impatience, judgmentalism, manipulation, etc.) that so easily cloud my judgment and poison my connections with others. 

Plugging into Christ every day provides me with His unlimited resources for practicing love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control – all essential ingredients for cultivating a sacred and Christ-centered marriage that emanates light, hospitality, and compassion!