A work in progress

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed—  always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.

- 2 Corinthians 4:7-10

I attended elementary school with a girl who excelled at the violin. At ten years old, I became captivated by her talent and the praise she received for it. I begged my parents to let me take lessons, and they finally relented. When the child-sized instrument they’d rented for me arrived, I gingerly held it to my chin and imagined what it would feel like to wow an audience with my beautiful music. I couldn’t wait to get started! 

At my first lesson, we learned about the violin itself, including all its parts, how to care for it, the proper playing stance, and how to apply resin to the bow. To my disappointment, I didn't learn any songs, but I looked forward to the next week, when we would receive our beginner practice books. Alas, that lesson was disappointing too, as were the others that followed, as it began to dawn on me that mastering the violin would take years, not weeks. It would be months and months of practicing scales, music theory, technique, and monotonous repetition. By the end of that year, I’d grown bored and discouraged. It wasn't what I expected, so I gave up. 

This same pattern would repeat itself over and over in the decades that followed. I would take an interest in various hobbies, vocations, programs, and systems, only to become discouraged and give up when I couldn’t excel at them immediately or faced setbacks and failures. Even my faith was not immune to this disheartenment: just when I thought I’d “arrived” at a certain certitude and spiritual maturity, unexpected trials would come along and shake my faith, revealing my weaknesses, wounds, and how little I actually knew and understood. Only in the last few years have I been able to reframe these unavoidable setbacks and revelations of my shortcomings as a necessary part of personal and spiritual growth. There is simply no other way to attain the humility and perseverance needed to be patient with the long salvific process and myself.

Perfectionism and expectations of immediate gratification have always been my biggest hindrances to a healthy balance between all and nothing, striving and stagnancy, accomplishing and becoming. Facing reality, however, and leaning into life’s uncertainties and struggles has been a far more effective strategy for consistently putting one foot in front of the other, day in and day out, in joy and sorrow, in sickness and in health, in times of contentment and confusion. 

A fixed mindset says, “Forget it, I quit,” “I thought I was better than that!” A growth mindset says, “That’s ok, God loves me. Lord, have mercy, I’m still learning. I will try again.”  If I can view every day as sacred and purposeful, staying present within it and open to all of it- the beauty and pain, breakthroughs and missteps, gains and losses, thrills and monotony, tranquility and discomfort- then God can stretch and expand my heart. He can free me from the confines of my ego and limiting beliefs, replacing my doubts and despondency with a sense of awe.

In the thick of it, it's sometimes hard to recognize any progress amid the glaring realization of how far I still have to go, but gratitude sheds light on the spiritual paradoxes of living through dying and finding strength through weakness, fullness through emptiness. I recognize that I can be stubborn, shortsighted, and forgetful. I am thankful for every disappointment, disillusionment, and humbling mistake that has brought me to the end of myself and back to Christ. 

I am already saved and still being saved. I am both on a journey toward the Kingdom of Heaven and already home. I am a work in progress, cherished by God just as I am, yet being healed and transformed through repentance. I am forever beginning again, reorienting my habits, reactions, and perspectives toward light and hope.