A Keeper of Meaning

“We may resent getting older less if we can invest in the next generation more. We’ll realize that, though we have no choice about growing older and eventually leaving our lives all together, we do have a choice about the legacy we leave.“

- Tian Dayton, Ph.D., “The Magic of Forgiveness”

I have a vivid memory of being in my grandma’s room as she tried on a new dress. I was probably around ten, and I thought she looked beautiful. As she gazed at her reflection, she made a comment that stuck with me: “In my mind, I’m still young,” she said (more to herself than to me). “It’s always a little shocking to see my wrinkles in the mirror.” For the first time, I saw my grandma not just as my grandma but as a woman with her own inner life and insecurities. 

I am now only five years younger than she was then, and I understand this already. I, too, am often surprised by photos of myself with greying hair and crow’s feet or by the brain fog, slower metabolism, and other perplexing physical changes caused by menopause. Perhaps the most surprising thing is the complicated feeling of irrelevance that can creep in when I no longer get the humor, recognize the songs, understand the technology, or feel needed in the same way by my family. 

I feel like there’s a real crossroads when it comes to growing older. I sense an urgency to approach this next season with a purposeful mission rooted in prayer, self-reflection, and healthy habits. As broken human beings, we tend to fixate on what we’ve lost or could still lose; therefore, fostering thankfulness for what we’ve gained will require practice and determination. A question I regularly ask myself when I am tempted to lament my changing roles and aging body is, “What is there to celebrate about being in my 50’s?”

This month, in our Filled With Less Book Club, we read, “The Magic of Forgiveness: Emotional Freedom and Transformation at Midlife” by Tian Dayton, Ph.D. Talk about THOUGHT PROVOKING, oh my heart! According to Dayton, the second half of our lives as women is filled with sacredness, growth, and opportunities for truly powerful inner work. In particular, she wrote a passage on “Becoming a Keeper of Meaning” that has flooded my heart with inspiration! “THIS is what I long to become!” I wrote in my journal—a woman who gracefully embraces her vocation as a calming and light-filled example and mentor for the generations behind her.  

“...they are not afraid to mentor in the art of living and they share their accumulated wisdom, recognizing the power of their own example. They love for love’s sake. They have the emotional distance and freedom to know that most things work out eventually and that you might as well enjoy the ride…”

 - Tian Dayton, “The Magic of Forgiveness”

In that same passage, she quotes psychiatrist George Vallient, who led Harvard’s Study of Adult Development, and encourages people to “shift from being a human doing to a human being” as they age, releasing power and control and finding pleasure in loved ones, restful quiet, nature, and transitioning to a new way of operating. For me, this has meant shifting my focus away from “managing others” and toward investing in my own spiritual life, physical health, and interests/talents. It is peaceful to no longer feel that you have anything to prove or anyone to fix, correct, or coerce. There is freedom in just “being” and cultivating warmth, faith, and gratitude for simple joys in the present moment.

“When we can forgive those younger than us  for taking what used to be our place in the world, we’re better able to enjoy them and the rest of our lives. We ‘adjust our expectations,’ learning to seek pleasure in what is realistically available to us…And when we’re in this state of mind, we’re more likely to be a pleasant and giving presence to be around, which enhances our relationship experience.”

- Tian Dayton

What is there to celebrate about reaching my 50's? Hard-earned patience, for one thing, and humility, resilience, perspective, liberation, forgiveness, flexibility, compassion for others and myself, and a deeper appreciation for each new day I am blessed to experience! My skin might be wrinkling, but my soul is blooming and renewing! It is a privilege to leave a legacy of aging with hope and vitality!