Change the Story

"The foundation of freedom is the power to choose." 

- Edith Eger, "The Gift"

When my sons were ten and fourteen, they were like oil and water. They seemed trapped in an endless cycle of arguing and frustration that drove me up the wall and filled me with angst and sadness. I could see what was happening: my younger son craved attention from his older brother, but my older son withheld it because his brother's attempts were annoying and rooted in hurt feelings. No matter what I said or did, I couldn't ease the tension that permeated every mealtime, car ride, and outing. 

These were the facts of the situation: 

• My adolescent boys were going through a rough patch in their relationship. 

This was my interpretation of those facts:

• This was our forever reality (I imagined each of them as adults, married with families, still bickering at our dining room table).  

• I was a terrible mom. 

The stories I told myself about that rough patch significantly increased my stress and decreased my patience. It was only when I finally confided in a more experienced mom that a new story was presented to me:

• This is normal at that age.

• This too shall pass.

• Their arguing is not a reflection of my failure to teach them better communication and conflict-resolution skills. 

She was right, of course. As my boys matured, they did indeed develop better communication skills and impulse control. They discovered shared interests and hobbies and grew to really appreciate and value their friendship and bond as brothers. 

I learned going forward the importance of pausing and challenging the catastrophizing parental assumptions that tend to rush in and take over at the onset of any perceived crisis involving my kids. Whether it involves my relationships, setbacks, trials, past, or future, the narrative I choose to own about my circumstances determines my peace and stability or lack thereof. 

Bill O’Hanlon, a speaker and author in the field of solution-oriented therapy, wrote that:

“Each of us has our own point of view about things that happen in our lives. We call these explanations stories to emphasize the fact that our points of view are not The Truth. Facts are different from stories. Facts are things we can all agree on, what we can verify with our senses. Stories involve opinions, interpretations, theories, and explanations. Facts are the “what”; stories are the “why.” Most of us are caught up in the stories we believe about ourselves, other people, our relationships; we have forgotten that these stories are stories of our own doing. We are convinced that our stories contain The Truth.” 

If you continually face the same obstacles to joy, peace, hope, or fulfillment, it may be time to take a proactive approach to changing some of the perspectives you have accepted as truth. Being open to a different narrative can create new pathways around those obstacles, allowing you to move forward with a renewed sense of hope and possibility. 

So what are some ways to cultivate more positive and productive viewpoints on your circumstances and the world around you? Here are a few to get you started!

      1. Prayer, Sacraments, Scripture

Repentance, confession, and participation in the life and rhythms of the church can help heal unhealthy thought patterns by loosening the grip of destructive passions on your soul and exposing your mind and heart to an eternal perspective on your wounds and circumstances. Her prayers and hymns teach you to dwell on what is lovely, light-filled, and salvific. 

      2. Get an Outside Perspective

Depending on the story that needs changing, either a therapist, coach, support group, trusted friend, or colleague can provide key insights, a fresh perspective, helpful tools, empathy, and gentle accountability.  Making lasting changes to your habits or mindsets in isolation is incredibly difficult. Reaching out for help is a powerful first step toward disentangling yourself from limiting beliefs, trauma, or persistent pessimism. 

    3. Journal Prompts 

Recognizing your negative narratives as “stories” allows you to see them as adaptable and open to reframing. Here is a journal exercise to help you separate facts from feelings and find alternative outlooks on your circumstances:

• What is the current story?  What are you telling yourself about the situation? How much of that story is fact, and how much is made up of assumptions? How long have you believed that story? How does it make you feel physically? 
• Challenge the narrative. How is your current story affecting your well-being, growth, and relationships? Write down any facts that don’t match up with your version of the situation. Is there any evidence that would support a different possibility? 
• Create a new story. How would your life be different if you let go of this version of your story? Challenge yourself to think up a more empowering perspective on those same circumstances. How does that alternative story make you feel? What is one step you can take to live out that new story in your habits, mindset, conversations, and decisions? 

This happened to me > This happened for me

I have to > I get to 

I am bad at this > I am learning  

Why is this happening to me? >  What is this teaching me? 

I’m too old to start > My experience is an advantage

What if I try and fail? > What if this opens a door to new meaningful opportunities? 

The world is falling apart; why bother? > "These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world" (John 16:33) 

You can change your life by changing the stories you choose to tell yourself about it; stay mindful of what is shaping your stories. Prayerful, Christ-centered reframing promotes gratitude, joy, inner calm, healthier relationships, creativity, problem-solving skills, patience, resilience, courage, fruitfulness, and compassion.