A new kind of thinking

“You don't think your way into a new kind of living. You live your way into a new kind of thinking.”

― Henry Nouwen

But I don’t feel brave. I don’t feel strong enough to:

Carry this cross

Achieve my goal

Wait for an answer

Make a new start

I've wrestled with timidity since I was a child. It has been a personal source of stagnation and shame, both holding me back from opportunities to stretch myself and riddling my heart with guilt over my inability to trust God with my fears and insecurities. I can be pretty hard on myself over failing to eradicate timidity and cowardliness from my life. I’ve tried to will it away, reason it away, and pray it away, and still it lingers like a shadow I cannot grasp to destroy.

Where I get stuck is in thinking I cannot proceed with my own personal, vocational, and spiritual growth until I DO feel brave. Allowing my feelings to dictate my actions or lack thereof is destabilizing, fostering a sense of helplessness and chronic precariousness, leading to anxiety and despondency, which are of the devil. 

I find relief from this mental treadmill of timidity, shame, and paralysis through an intentional mindset tweak that creates space between myself and a big emotion, making room for choice where before there was only reaction. “I am afraid” makes timidity and fear my very identity, whereas “I am experiencing fear (doubt, uncertainty, restlessness, etc)”  allows for co-existing with a feeling without it swallowing me whole.

When I try to micromanage my emotions, I get all tangled up in trying to control and suppress them. But simply acknowledging them diffuses their intensity, allowing me to practice patience and self-compassion:

It is normal and natural to have feelings and emotions. They will come and go, ebb and flow. Let them be and do the next right, healthy (loving, fruitful, light-filled) thing in front of you. 

Doing creates momentum that produces courage. Consistency in maintaining healthy routines and habits, prioritizing ascetical practices (participating in the life of the Church), and forging loving connections all fortify our souls against Satan’s attacks on our thoughts, which are meant to bind us to despair. Doing is the key, continuing to put one foot in front of the other despite the waves of emotions that crash over us and then dissipate. 

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

- 2 Timothy 1:7 

Yesterday, I felt the familiar tingling of anxiousness course through my body, making my stomach queasy.  A dozen different frightening scenarios were breathing down my neck. Whereas previously I would have entertained these scenarios, trying to conjure up the courage to either squelch them with logic or convince myself I’d be strong enough to handle it if said frightening scenario did indeed occur, this time I just said, “This is fear.” 

I named and acknowledged the sensation without attempting to tame it or judging myself for experiencing it.  And then I went on about my business, leading a Zoom call, making dinner for a family at church with a new baby, writing and returning emails, and later knitting in my recliner. I had been fruitful and remained inwardly stable in the midst of temptations to spiral, and that was a significant victory for me. 

It is encouraging to experience a little growth in an area I’ve struggled with for so very, very long. I will continue to struggle, but I am grateful for the tools and insights God reveals to us through our struggles. Begin again. Begin again. Begin again.

By your patience possess your souls. Luke 21:19

My St. Nektarios Print by Kathryn Tussing Art can be found HERE